Thursday, May 26, 2011
Mennonite Discussion #7
Rhoda announces early on in the memoir that her husband left her for a man he met on Gay.com; however, as the book progresses, she slowly reveals that her marriage had been troubled for some time, and that she knew Nick was bisexual before they were married. Does this revelation change your perspective? Can we sympathize with a woman who knowingly entered into a marriage with a bisexual man? Do you think Rhoda’s piecemeal revelations mimic the way in which Rhoda comes to terms with the end of her marriage? Why do you think the book is structured this way?
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7 comments:
YES! The revelation completely changed my view of her. I went from picturing a mostly happy marriage that suddenly ends in this horrific bombshell of infidelity TO reading about a marriage wrought with emotional and verbal abuse that ended when he finally found something he wanted more. (eh, that may not be the reason. like I mentioned before she never really states if it was him or her that actually ended it)
But I just wanted to scream, "WHERE IS YOUR SELF ESTEEM AND SENSE OF SELF WORTH?!?!? HOW COULD YOU STAY WITH THIS MAN FOR 15 YEARS!?!?!!?"
I spent most of the book just being mad at her for thinking that this was the marriage she deserved and continuing to put up and love a man who clearly abused her.
I second Christ's post.
When the book first began, I felt unbridled sympathy for Rhoda. As the book went on and more and more facts were revealed, I started to despise her.
The way she described herself, I pictured her homely and unattractive. Did you see the book jacket? She's an attractive woman.
I gather she is a self loathing person that uses self deprecation as much as she uses unreasonably long run on sentences.
I judge her. I judged her before I knew that SHE knew about Nick's sexuality. Rhoda almost seems stupid to me. I mean, certainly not academically stupid, but relationship stupid. How much low self esteem do you have to have to stay in a relationship where you are verbally abused on a regular basis? And financially abused? And cheated on?
I'm guessing Rhoda stayed in the marriage because a) There was a security...they had a house, pets, friends, money (I've been there) b) She didn't think she could support herself (even though she supported him through 95% of the marriage c) She was lazy and just didn't care enough to leave.
I picture Rhoda as someone who may or may not bathe on a regular basis, may or may not brush her hair every day, may or may not brush her teeth unless asked, probably wears clothes that are entirely too baggy, is physically lazy and doesn't do much but read.
Ok so this is not my only post. I'll post more this evening I hope.
I'm a little amazed at how you ladies view Rhoda. Maybe it's just where I am in life right now but I felt like her twin sister for most of the story. I completely understand why she stayed with a jackass....he was HER jackass and it's what she was "supposed" to do. I mean if no one else in your deeply religious family is divorced aside from crazy relatives what's a girl to do? I too have recently moved back to AUtrey Road where Jesus and POtato Salad go hand in hand ( Yeah, potato salad). I kept thinking that S-B chose this book because it reminded her of my life. Apparently I'm vainglorious.
Kim, you're not vainglorious....I did, in fact, choose this book with you in mind. Now, I had not read the book, only the back cover and it made me think of your situation...you know, moving back home to discover who you are and stuff...
However, aside from the occasional comic relief that reminded me of you, I never made a correlation. You are a strong woman....Rhoda, to me, was a self made victim. Maybe that's a little harsh, but Dr. Phil always says "You teach people how to treat you". Even if Nick was, in fact, mentally unstable for alot/most of their marriage, she had the choice to stay or leave. And I'm guessing she knew about his mental state before they were married.
That's where the self-made victim (and my high horse) comes in..........self-made victims love to talk about how abused they are/were but will never make a move out of the relationship. Some say religion binds them..others say they don't have enough money to leave...others say it's for the kids. Any way you look at it (to me) these women are self-made victims. There IS a way out, they just don't want to do it.
Continuing on my high house...I apologize already......marrying someone with the hope that he/she will change for the better (or change at all!) is just plain stupid. Sure, you can mold your partner to accommodate your little quirks here and there, but if you really have to change THAT MUCH about a person, perhaps he/she isn't meant for you.
I know.....Hi kettle, I'm pot...you're black.
Okay, I understand your perspectives and why you felt cheated and/or lied to. The revelation of how troubled her marriage was before the cheating occurred changed my perception a bit too (but you must admit it livens up the story to tell it the way she did!). Also, I like that she admits that the relationship issues were two-sided. When divorce happens everyone always wants there to be some big, grand reason. They want to know who to blame. Rhoda had a main event, but there was a back story too. I appreciated that she was willing to tell the back story. Divorce is messy and rarely is it as simple as "My husband left me for a man he met on gay.com."
So, yeah, I guess I could still sympathize with her. I like to think I wouldn't have done the same thing, but I was known to date people months after I knew it wasn't working because others thought it wouldn't work and/or didn't like him. Who am I to talk?
One of my friends in NC married someone who eventually left her because of a guy (and apparently there had been an incident before they got married too). She was smart (um, Jeopardy smart and had the jacket to prove it), caring, and absolutely hilarious. Another friend I know endured years of verbal abuse from her husband, but it was eventually him who ended it. I think she's still trying to recover. I don't consider either of these women weak. I do, however, think both of their ex-husbands did a number on them that significantly lowered their self esteem. I cannot imagine how I would feel if the person who was supposed to love me the most consistently told me how worthless I was. I imagine I might just try to prove him wrong. I think that's what Rhoda did...even down to minute details like coffee mugs as S-B pointed out elsewhere.
Studies show that this kind of thing happens all the time. People who are otherwise rational, intelligent beings succumb to the lies they are told by their abusers. The relationship makes them feel needed and secure. Their abusers convince them that no one else will want them. They imagine the sting of coming home divorced and that's enough to make them stay. Any number of reasons are plausible here and I don't think it necessarily signals weakness. Perhaps it symbolizes trusting too early or a failure to be a good judge of character or a desire to run as far away as possible from who her parents were (and who she was "supposed" to be). That's not to say I think she should have stayed. However, I think the fact that she had tried to leave before and not succeeded shows there was a deep level of (unhealthy) dependence that she found herself incapable of escaping.
Okay, I fear I'm starting to be incoherent. I'm headed to bed. I'll try to write more tomorrow night.
I should also add that I think women especially are taught to forgive (almost to a fault) and thus end up giving people 2nd, 3rd, and 4th chances because they believe that they will change. This is fine when you're talking about someone who is perpetually late, but maybe not when someone treats you like crap. Plus, there's a difference between forgiving someone and allowing them to be in a position to wrong you in the same way again. I think that is not talked about enough.
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