Thursday, May 26, 2011
Mennoite Discussion #4
Consider the marriages portrayed in this book. Rhoda and Nick remain together fifteen years; Mary and Si, more than forty-four years; Hannah and Phil, eleven years. Does the book make any tacit suggestions about what makes a good marriage? Do you know of any marriages that make you say, “I want what they have”?
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8 comments:
I think the only suggestion I remember reading (and I am majorly paraphrasing and/or making this up) was just deal with it.
I think she mentioned somewhere that her mom and dad may have or should have broken up at time or so.
I think that there are some marriages that are just bad from the start.
I believe that some people get married for reasons that have nothing to do with making a partnership and actually wanting to be with that person for the rest of their life. Rather they get married because its what people do and its an out from another miserable alternative.
I don't necessarily envy or want another person's marriage. No, mine is nowhere near perfect. I think that every marriage has its problems and that some hide it better than others.
I got the suggestion from the book that some sort of religious binding helps keep a marriage strong. On the other hand, I also got that sometimes people stay in a relationship too long (or at all) based on their religion and the fact that God says 'no' to divorce. I think Rhoda's parents would have gotten divorced had it not been for their religious background and binding.
Rhoda also points out numerous times that she was raised Mennonite and Nick was an atheist. Perhaps that had something to do with their demise? She mentions over and over that Mennonite women are submissive and taught to not question authority...which, in the Mennonite (and Southern Baptist) world equals your husband. Maybe she subconsciously was being submissive to Nick and consciously telling herself that she really didn't care to abide by his quirks (ie...not having pictures of family members.....turning the cups a certain way...) Sometimes it's easier to say "I don't really care, let's do it your way" than it is to stand up for yourself and say "No, that's not how I want to do it".
I can think of a small handful of couples that I envy for one reason or another...maybe they communicate better than I or perhaps they ALWAYS seem to bring out the best in one another. But overall, I'm going to agree with Rita that every marriage/partnership has its problems and that some (ahem...most) hide it better than others.
I agree with S-B about the submissive to Nick part. Maybe even a step further and that she was so committed to the marriage that she refused to let it fail. She refused to give up. It was a non-option for her. She committed herself to being committed. good or bad, right or wrong.
I don't know if I agree about that she was necessarily committed. I mean, she and Nick broke up several times, got divorced, then remarried. I honestly think she has little to no self esteem and she gravitated towards Nick's artistic mania, and abstract intellect.
Rita, after reading your response, I think you're closer to the truth than I was. I completely forgot about the multiple breakups, divorce and remarriage. Who the hell DOES THAT?! She was drawn back in to Nick. He must have had some sort of magic penis.
I agree with some of you that the book hints that some sort of religious binding helps. But, what about Rhoda's sister's marriage to Phil? They didn't appear to be overly religious people and yet their marriage seemed more stable/mutual than some of the others portrayed. Am I remembering that correctly? It has been a few months AND I gave my copy away to a friend. Help me if I'm forgetting some kind of major foible in their marriage.
As for Rhoda's marriage, I wonder if she felt compelled to remain married (in part) because she had given up her religion. She didn't want to acknowledge that shared convictions such as the ones she left behind might help in choosing a life partner. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but maybe she didn't want to fail at her marriage because she wanted it to work without the religious mandate that she felt held her parents and so many others together...maybe to prove to her parents that non-religious folks could be good, upstanding citizens too? I don't know. Now I'm rambling. Off to the next question!
I do look at the marriage of my pastor and his wife and think, "I hope Chad and I continue to enjoy one another that much when we've been married as long as they have." They are amazing together. They complement one another and bring out the best in each other. I love them and I really do hope that Chad and I will put the time and effort into our marriage that they have (obviously) put into theirs.
Our dear friends in NC, Jim and Pat Travis, also have a marriage like this. They've been together over 50 years. They adore one another and encourage one another in amazing ways. I know I sound all mushy and ridiculous, but these couples remind me that marriage is work, but that when both individuals commit to the work of love the result is pretty amazing. I love the idea that marriage is built on mutual respect and admiration and I love having examples like these two. I want what they have, and we're working on it ;-)
I'm going to be a poo-poo face here and say...
I'm unable to comment at this time.
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